Nov. 19, 2009
The Mindful Family: Carving an Elephant
By Charlton Hall, MMFT, LMFT-I
Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.
“The answer,” he said, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”
If you ask any number of couples to describe their idea of the perfect relationship, you’re likely to get very similar answers from all of them. We all know what a perfect relationship looks like. Some of the details might differ, but overall we all know what the elephant looks like. The difficulty arises in actually carving the relationship elephant from the block of marble we call our lives. The end result is easy to identify, but it can take a lifetime of skill and practice to reach that end result.
When difficulties arise in a relationship, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.
If you’ve been with your partner for a while, and have settled into your relationship, you’ve probably had your fair share of arguments and disagreements. For most couples, there are a few arguments that keep coming up over and over again, never to be resolved. It’s almost as if you could write these arguments on index cards and just say to your partner, “Okay, today we’re having Argument Number 47.” You already know your lines, and you probably already know your partner’s lines as well.
Think about these scripted disagreements that you have with your partner. Notice any themes that develop from them. Now ask yourself, “Will these arguments help me to carve an elephant?” In other words, if the goal is to have a happy relationship, will these arguments achieve that goal? If you’re like most couples, you will discover that there are some arguments that legitimately need to be resolved in order to have a better relationship, but there are also probably some that don’t.
Go over your list of standard arguments with your partner, and decide for yourselves which ones will lead to a happier relationship, and which ones involve side issues (i.e., arguments that are not ‘carving the elephant.’) You may disagree with your partner over which ones are which, and that’s okay too. Maybe your version of the elephant is slightly different from your partner’s version. Just remember that by sharing your vision of a happier relationship with your partner, you can both come to agreement on what sort of elephant you would like to carve together.
The first step is agreeing that you will focus only on those actions that lead to the end result you both want. Once you’ve agreed on that end result, you can both begin to ‘chip away’ anything that doesn’t look like the relationship you both want to share. The key to a happy relationship is simple, but it can take a lifetime to master: Do less of what doesn’t work, and do more of what does work.
Charlton Hall is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Intern in private practice at the Family Therapy Teaching Clinic in Boiling Springs, South Carolina. You may contact him at: info@forestmoonfamilytherapy.com or visit his website at: www.forestmoonfamilytherapy.com.
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The Mindful Family: Carving an Elephant
By Charlton Hall, MMFT, LMFT-I
Once there was a sculptor who was famous for his carvings of animals. Of all the animals he carved, his elephants were the most lifelike and inspiring. One day an art student came to him and asked him the secret to creating such beautiful elephants.
“The answer,” he said, “Is simple. You just get a block of marble and chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.”
If you ask any number of couples to describe their idea of the perfect relationship, you’re likely to get very similar answers from all of them. We all know what a perfect relationship looks like. Some of the details might differ, but overall we all know what the elephant looks like. The difficulty arises in actually carving the relationship elephant from the block of marble we call our lives. The end result is easy to identify, but it can take a lifetime of skill and practice to reach that end result.
When difficulties arise in a relationship, it’s usually because we’ve set out to carve an elephant, but we suddenly find ourselves carving a bear or a donkey or some other animal instead. When this happens, we’ve gotten caught up in the details of living, and we have lost sight of our original goal, the elephant.
If you’ve been with your partner for a while, and have settled into your relationship, you’ve probably had your fair share of arguments and disagreements. For most couples, there are a few arguments that keep coming up over and over again, never to be resolved. It’s almost as if you could write these arguments on index cards and just say to your partner, “Okay, today we’re having Argument Number 47.” You already know your lines, and you probably already know your partner’s lines as well.
Think about these scripted disagreements that you have with your partner. Notice any themes that develop from them. Now ask yourself, “Will these arguments help me to carve an elephant?” In other words, if the goal is to have a happy relationship, will these arguments achieve that goal? If you’re like most couples, you will discover that there are some arguments that legitimately need to be resolved in order to have a better relationship, but there are also probably some that don’t.
Go over your list of standard arguments with your partner, and decide for yourselves which ones will lead to a happier relationship, and which ones involve side issues (i.e., arguments that are not ‘carving the elephant.’) You may disagree with your partner over which ones are which, and that’s okay too. Maybe your version of the elephant is slightly different from your partner’s version. Just remember that by sharing your vision of a happier relationship with your partner, you can both come to agreement on what sort of elephant you would like to carve together.
The first step is agreeing that you will focus only on those actions that lead to the end result you both want. Once you’ve agreed on that end result, you can both begin to ‘chip away’ anything that doesn’t look like the relationship you both want to share. The key to a happy relationship is simple, but it can take a lifetime to master: Do less of what doesn’t work, and do more of what does work.
Charlton Hall is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Intern in private practice at the Family Therapy Teaching Clinic in Boiling Springs, South Carolina. You may contact him at: info@forestmoonfamilytherapy.com or visit his website at: www.forestmoonfamilytherapy.com.
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