Dec. 4, 2009
The Mindful Family: The Ideal Self
By Charlton Hall, MMFT, LMFT-I
We’ve all done things that we look back upon with the realization that we could have handled the situation in a better way. We may find ourselves wondering why we handled it the way we did, and in thinking about the situation afterwards we often come up with other ways to behave that may have led to better outcomes. In other words, we all have the ability to think about the way we think and behave.
It’s as if we all have an objective observer inside ourselves. This observer knows what we want to be and what we truly want to do in a given situation. The Humanist Therapist Carl Rogers called this impartial observer the ‘Ideal Self.’ According to Rogers, we develop stress and anxiety in our lives when our Ideal Self is in conflict with what we say, think and do in the ‘real world.’
One way to get in touch with your Ideal Self is to think about who you would be if you had a magic wand that would allow you to live exactly as you wanted to live. If you had such a magic wand, how would you live? What would you do? What would be different about your day-to-day activities and your relationships with others if you were truly living up to your highest expectations of yourself? What dreams and aspirations of yours have fallen by the wayside, lost in the hectic business of daily living?
The good news about the Ideal Self is that you already have the wisdom you need to know how to live and be happy. All you have to do is learn how to trust it. There are no experts on you but you.
How do you go about living your Ideal Self? Begin by thinking about the barriers that keep you from living as you would choose to. Some of these barriers might be things you do not wish to change, such as obligations to home, family and work. Others may be things that could be changed quite easily. Still others might require a great deal of effort on your part. It is up to you to decide how much effort to put into making changes, or whether the change is worth the effort in the first place. The goal is to take responsibility for your own life and for your own happiness.
Some of your barriers to a happier life may come from other people or the circumstances in which you find yourself. In such a case, focus on changing the things you can, and learn to accept what you cannot change, always remembering that you are in control of your own life. Don’t fall into the trap of blaming others or your circumstances for your state in life. If someone or something else is responsible for your own happiness, then you will always be its victim. By learning to trust the inner voice of your Ideal Self, you come to realize that you are in control. You decide your own destiny. While you may not be able to control all of your circumstances, you can always choose how you react to them. When you learn to change your thoughts, you will transform your world.
Charlton Hall is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Intern in private practice at the Family Therapy Teaching Clinic in Boiling Springs, South Carolina. You may contact him at: info@forestmoonfamilytherapy.com or visit his website at: www.forestmoonfamilytherapy.com.
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The Mindful Family: The Ideal Self
By Charlton Hall, MMFT, LMFT-I
We’ve all done things that we look back upon with the realization that we could have handled the situation in a better way. We may find ourselves wondering why we handled it the way we did, and in thinking about the situation afterwards we often come up with other ways to behave that may have led to better outcomes. In other words, we all have the ability to think about the way we think and behave.
It’s as if we all have an objective observer inside ourselves. This observer knows what we want to be and what we truly want to do in a given situation. The Humanist Therapist Carl Rogers called this impartial observer the ‘Ideal Self.’ According to Rogers, we develop stress and anxiety in our lives when our Ideal Self is in conflict with what we say, think and do in the ‘real world.’
One way to get in touch with your Ideal Self is to think about who you would be if you had a magic wand that would allow you to live exactly as you wanted to live. If you had such a magic wand, how would you live? What would you do? What would be different about your day-to-day activities and your relationships with others if you were truly living up to your highest expectations of yourself? What dreams and aspirations of yours have fallen by the wayside, lost in the hectic business of daily living?
The good news about the Ideal Self is that you already have the wisdom you need to know how to live and be happy. All you have to do is learn how to trust it. There are no experts on you but you.
How do you go about living your Ideal Self? Begin by thinking about the barriers that keep you from living as you would choose to. Some of these barriers might be things you do not wish to change, such as obligations to home, family and work. Others may be things that could be changed quite easily. Still others might require a great deal of effort on your part. It is up to you to decide how much effort to put into making changes, or whether the change is worth the effort in the first place. The goal is to take responsibility for your own life and for your own happiness.
Some of your barriers to a happier life may come from other people or the circumstances in which you find yourself. In such a case, focus on changing the things you can, and learn to accept what you cannot change, always remembering that you are in control of your own life. Don’t fall into the trap of blaming others or your circumstances for your state in life. If someone or something else is responsible for your own happiness, then you will always be its victim. By learning to trust the inner voice of your Ideal Self, you come to realize that you are in control. You decide your own destiny. While you may not be able to control all of your circumstances, you can always choose how you react to them. When you learn to change your thoughts, you will transform your world.
Charlton Hall is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Intern in private practice at the Family Therapy Teaching Clinic in Boiling Springs, South Carolina. You may contact him at: info@forestmoonfamilytherapy.com or visit his website at: www.forestmoonfamilytherapy.com.
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