Dec. 17, 2009
The Mindful Family: Radical Acceptance
By Charlton Hall, MMFT, LMFT-I
One of the skills we develop in the practice of mindfulness is the skill of ‘acceptance.’ Acceptance allows us to experience emotions without feeling obligated to react to them. This is done by noting the emotion, and then letting go of the thought and feeling processes that the emotion generates.
‘Differentiation’ is a concept of Family Therapy. A person is said to be differentiated when that person doesn’t feel emotionally responsible for others, and when that person does not rely on others to help achieve his own emotional well being.
If you are expecting to find happiness from the actions and feelings of others, then you are said to be ‘undifferentiated.’ An undifferentiated person can benefit from mindfulness by learning to accept the flood of emotions that blocks rational thought. The goal of acceptance in differentiation isn’t to become a totally rational person, devoid of emotion. Instead, the goal is to practice ‘wise mind.’ Wise mind is the balance of emotional mind and rational mind, in perfect harmony.
At this moment, think about the top ten things that worry you. Make a list. If you can’t come up with ten, that’s okay. Try to think of as many as you can and write them down.
Of those things on your list, how many of them have to do with worrying about events that happened in the past? How many of them have to do with anxiety over what may or may not happen in the future? Do any of your worries have to do with anything that is occurring right now? Part of acceptance is learning that the past is past, and the future is unpredictable. So worrying about the past or the future wastes energy that could be better used in changing your circumstances now.
Mindful Awareness teaches us the art of acceptance. Emotional reactions to our circumstances are natural, but that doesn’t mean that we have to respond to these emotions. The mindfulness skill of acceptance teaches us that we can experience these emotions without engaging in cycles of behavior that lead us to negative consequences. Acceptance teaches us that we are not our thoughts, and that we are not our emotions. At any time we can choose which thoughts and emotions we wish to respond to.
If, at any time, we should ‘slip up’ and engage in thoughts and behaviors that lead to negative consequences, this does not mean that we have become ‘bad persons.’ This simply means that we are human beings, and as humans we are entitled to make mistakes. Each mistake is an opportunity for growth and learning. In fact, if we never made a mistake, we could never learn.
The beginning of acceptance is learning how to forgive. Forgiveness is a skill and an art. The place to start with learning the art of forgiveness is in learning first to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes.
Charlton Hall is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Intern in private practice at the Family Therapy Teaching Clinic in Boiling Springs, South Carolina. You may contact him at: info@forestmoonfamilytherapy.com or visit his website at: www.forestmoonfamilytherapy.com.
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The Mindful Family: Radical Acceptance
By Charlton Hall, MMFT, LMFT-I
One of the skills we develop in the practice of mindfulness is the skill of ‘acceptance.’ Acceptance allows us to experience emotions without feeling obligated to react to them. This is done by noting the emotion, and then letting go of the thought and feeling processes that the emotion generates.
‘Differentiation’ is a concept of Family Therapy. A person is said to be differentiated when that person doesn’t feel emotionally responsible for others, and when that person does not rely on others to help achieve his own emotional well being.
If you are expecting to find happiness from the actions and feelings of others, then you are said to be ‘undifferentiated.’ An undifferentiated person can benefit from mindfulness by learning to accept the flood of emotions that blocks rational thought. The goal of acceptance in differentiation isn’t to become a totally rational person, devoid of emotion. Instead, the goal is to practice ‘wise mind.’ Wise mind is the balance of emotional mind and rational mind, in perfect harmony.
At this moment, think about the top ten things that worry you. Make a list. If you can’t come up with ten, that’s okay. Try to think of as many as you can and write them down.
Of those things on your list, how many of them have to do with worrying about events that happened in the past? How many of them have to do with anxiety over what may or may not happen in the future? Do any of your worries have to do with anything that is occurring right now? Part of acceptance is learning that the past is past, and the future is unpredictable. So worrying about the past or the future wastes energy that could be better used in changing your circumstances now.
Mindful Awareness teaches us the art of acceptance. Emotional reactions to our circumstances are natural, but that doesn’t mean that we have to respond to these emotions. The mindfulness skill of acceptance teaches us that we can experience these emotions without engaging in cycles of behavior that lead us to negative consequences. Acceptance teaches us that we are not our thoughts, and that we are not our emotions. At any time we can choose which thoughts and emotions we wish to respond to.
If, at any time, we should ‘slip up’ and engage in thoughts and behaviors that lead to negative consequences, this does not mean that we have become ‘bad persons.’ This simply means that we are human beings, and as humans we are entitled to make mistakes. Each mistake is an opportunity for growth and learning. In fact, if we never made a mistake, we could never learn.
The beginning of acceptance is learning how to forgive. Forgiveness is a skill and an art. The place to start with learning the art of forgiveness is in learning first to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes.
Charlton Hall is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapy Intern in private practice at the Family Therapy Teaching Clinic in Boiling Springs, South Carolina. You may contact him at: info@forestmoonfamilytherapy.com or visit his website at: www.forestmoonfamilytherapy.com.
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